I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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