There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
