Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
