I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
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