I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
