You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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