I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
