you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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