I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
