The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
