I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
