Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
did i just pee glitter
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
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