did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
