They should really pass out barf bags in church
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
