You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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