Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
time to smoke my breakfast
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You're a waste of cheezeits
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
