this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
