Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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