fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
