It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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