my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
