There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
