in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
