i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
