I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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