I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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