y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
