i just sent this text using only my big toe
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
