i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
We need a shit load of segways right now
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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