Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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