My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
It's never too late to be topless.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
