i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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