Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
