I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
