was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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