I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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