my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
