There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
