i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
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