there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
