i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
