Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I've blown a few things in my day
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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