i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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