i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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