I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
