I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
