Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I did not marry a roomba.
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