so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
