i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
