oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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