Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
